Secret Service Santa Stuff III

Another from the discarded secret service file of thank you letters to Santa from celebrity chefs. The world needs to know. Again there is no clue about the sender.

Dear Santa,

I really hope you enjoyed the sherry frozen with liquid nitrogen and covered in its Lapsang Souchong foam. If you did it is now available in my very favourite supermarket. Rudolph’s carrot, beef marrow and guava sorbet with 99 per cent cocoa and mahogany-bark infused biscuit was a little rushed, but I think he will have enjoyed it. It's the simple things at this time of year isn't it? Thanks so much for my new laser (my old one was wrecked with over-use). How can any kitchen function without such basic tools?

Yours, 

Secret Service Santa II

The second missive found in the top-secret file of celebrity-chef thank-you letters to Santa carelessly left on the train. Again it is impossible to say who wrote this, though I have a feeling I really should know. It does sound as though this celebrity chef is not very concerned with austerity.

Darling Santa,

I adored the gorgeous gifts you brought me, and having them enrobed in thick, unctuous double cream folding into melted chocolate with extra dark chocolate squares was a marvellous touch. My husband loved his gifts too, especially that clever ‘Prams I Was Sick in’ installation. Arriving downstairs in my red silk décolleté nightwear to find such super things rather excited me, as you and a lot of other older men may imagine. Come again soon, 

Mmmmm, 

Yours,

[signature illegible]

Secret Service Santa Stuff

On the train the other day I pushed past the piles of laptops and disks left by government ministers and secret service operatives, then noticed an envelope marked 'Celebrity Chef thank you letters to Santa'. Apparently the government thinks it is necessary to monitor such communications for reasons of national security. Following the pattern set by The Daily Telegraph with MPs' expenses I am thus going to release the most informative of them in dribs and drabs over the Christmas period (not the supermarket period obviously or this would have begun in October). First off is a pithy little missive, redacted (when did we start using that word instead of censored?) because of the strong language in it. I have no idea who this could have been from, as the signature was blurred and scratched angrily into the paper.

Dear Santa,

When will you learn? The presents you delivered were useless, you are useless, now f--- off and get me what I asked for in the first place you total t---.

Yours,

[unknown]